As far as I can remember my life always persisted of thoughts. Not actions mainly but thoughts. Thoughts about what could be, what could be better and sorrows about tomorrow or nostalgia about yesterdays. I never really lived. I was constantly worrying about myself.
I was taught to worry. I was also taught to divide between black and white only. Either good or bad. Either it sucked or not. Now this leads me to recently when I was about to make one very foolish decision. I was ready to give up on my study. Somehow myself always manages to manipulate me into thinking that everything around me is to blame for me feeling bad. I just thought that my subject sucked, the people sucked, my situation sucked and the city sucked. I wasn't able to really think realistically, no I rather had a black view of the world around me. As if it was liable for all the pain and unhappiness inside of me. When I feel this way, I always have an alternative solution. This solution is white. The pure good thing, the plan that's gonna make everything better and brighter. This solution was to quit my studies and start over in a new town with a new subject.
Now I guess just reading this you realize how little sense I make in times like these. I cannot trust myself then.
Another thing is that I always see the actual situation as the worst situation I've been in so far. When I was in my hometown, I hated my hometown and wanted to move. When I moved to another town, I totally missed my hometown. When I moved to my actual study-town I hated the town and wanted to go back to the town before. It's like I have never been happy and always wanted to have back what I had. I had to recognize in the last few days: I never feel comfortable, no matter where I am. Not the town or my environment is the problem, no, the problem is myself.
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