As far as I can remember my life always persisted of thoughts. Not actions mainly but thoughts. Thoughts about what could be, what could be better and sorrows about tomorrow or nostalgia about yesterdays. I never really lived. I was constantly worrying about myself.
I was taught to worry. I was also taught to divide between black and white only. Either good or bad. Either it sucked or not. Now this leads me to recently when I was about to make one very foolish decision. I was ready to give up on my study. Somehow myself always manages to manipulate me into thinking that everything around me is to blame for me feeling bad. I just thought that my subject sucked, the people sucked, my situation sucked and the city sucked. I wasn't able to really think realistically, no I rather had a black view of the world around me. As if it was liable for all the pain and unhappiness inside of me. When I feel this way, I always have an alternative solution. This solution is white. The pure good thing, the plan that's gonna make everything better and brighter. This solution was to quit my studies and start over in a new town with a new subject.
Now I guess just reading this you realize how little sense I make in times like these. I cannot trust myself then.
Another thing is that I always see the actual situation as the worst situation I've been in so far. When I was in my hometown, I hated my hometown and wanted to move. When I moved to another town, I totally missed my hometown. When I moved to my actual study-town I hated the town and wanted to go back to the town before. It's like I have never been happy and always wanted to have back what I had. I had to recognize in the last few days: I never feel comfortable, no matter where I am. Not the town or my environment is the problem, no, the problem is myself.
Donnerstag, 25. April 2013
Mittwoch, 24. April 2013
myemptyself
It's like life's been rushin' by all those years. I wasn't really living it I was always after something. Chasing something which I already owned. Trying to be happy but the key to being happy weren't the things around me. The key to being happy is myself. I can't. I feel like I can't be happy so often. 'Even though it is so easy', says my mind. 'No', my emotions answer. 'No', also scream my thoughts, 'it's not.' But, claims my mind, you just have to enjoy the moment. Be thankful for what you've got. Not wanting more not wanting less. Just live the moment. Forget about the yesterdays, forget about the tomorrows. Let go. NOW is what counts. Just recognize that for yourself, emotions and thoughts.' 'But I can't. I hate myself so badly sometimes. I just cannot!' say my emotions. 'Stop bothering about only yourself, dear emotions. You're not the only one that matters, we have a world full of people around us. Don't be this ungrateful little bitch.'
These are the moments when I begin to feel bad. In my head it is always me, me, me. It is not all about me. But when I am stuck in a moment of emotion I just cannot break out of it. I mean this leads me to the question: When I feel down, then because I think too much about myself or do I think too much about myself because I feel down? I'd rather have the second possibility this would make me a less bad person.
Really these mind games make me sick. I need to just quit thinking so much. I swear it's not easy. I wish I could just stop bothering. But it is not about wishes. It's about actions. And I need to act in order to change.
It's like a vicious circle. I have had these phases. I have gotten through them various times. Bad thing is: This time I 100% thought I fought it successfully. This enemy inside of me. I thought I'd for once in my life finally be a responsible, normal person. Well as it turns out, I still ain't.
It's funny this time I started the text with just a first sentence and no idea in which direction it would lead me. It's strange to see where a text takes you once you've started writing it. But actually I am way too tired to think anymore. I'll go get sleep.
Good night
These are the moments when I begin to feel bad. In my head it is always me, me, me. It is not all about me. But when I am stuck in a moment of emotion I just cannot break out of it. I mean this leads me to the question: When I feel down, then because I think too much about myself or do I think too much about myself because I feel down? I'd rather have the second possibility this would make me a less bad person.
Really these mind games make me sick. I need to just quit thinking so much. I swear it's not easy. I wish I could just stop bothering. But it is not about wishes. It's about actions. And I need to act in order to change.
It's like a vicious circle. I have had these phases. I have gotten through them various times. Bad thing is: This time I 100% thought I fought it successfully. This enemy inside of me. I thought I'd for once in my life finally be a responsible, normal person. Well as it turns out, I still ain't.
It's funny this time I started the text with just a first sentence and no idea in which direction it would lead me. It's strange to see where a text takes you once you've started writing it. But actually I am way too tired to think anymore. I'll go get sleep.
Good night
Samstag, 20. April 2013
Leben und leben lassen
Ich sollte aufhören darüber nachzudenken, aufhören, meinem Leben so viel Bedeutung beizumessen. Ich sollte mich nicht mehr so ernst nehmen. Es ist nämlich so: Jeder ist nur kurze Zeit hier auf der Erde. Es liegt also an uns, was wir daraus machen. Nutzen wir diese Zeit oder nicht? Keiner kann sie uns nehmen, außer wir selbst.
Keiner hier bedeutet mehr und keiner weniger als der andere. Ich muss begreifen, dass ich nicht hier bin, um andere zu übertrumpfen oder besser zu sein. Ich bin hier, weil mir dieser Platz, mein Platz, geschenkt wurde. Was ich daraus mache, hängt von mir selbst ab. Egal was ich tue, es wird mich nie wertvoller oder weniger wertvoll als jemand anders machen, ganz gleich was ich auch erreiche. Darum geht es vor allem auch nicht! Es geht nicht darum Großes zu tun. Es geht nicht darum etwas zu bewegen. Ich habe weder eine Mission, noch sollte ich irgendeinem Ziel nacheifern. Ich bin frei. Wir alle sind frei.
Leben und leben lassen. Und noch wichtiger: Lebe den Moment. Er ist das einzige was du hast. Wer weiß was in 24 Stunden passiert. Lebe jetzt und nicht morgen! Vergiss dein Ziel in 20 Jahren glücklich zu sein, auf der Karriereleiter ganz oben und ein Haus mit Kindern zu haben. Denn wer weiß was in 20 Jahren passiert ist. Vielleicht bekommst du eine Krankheit oder du stirbst. Wir haben nur den jetzigen Moment, deswegen müssen wir auch jetzt glücklich sein, später ist es vielleicht schon zu spät.
Es sollte jedermanns Ziel sein können am Ende seines Lebens zu sagen: Ich habe gelebt! Und mit diesen Worten sollte der Mensch zufrieden gehen können.
Was bringt es uns, auf ein Leben zurückzuschauen, das geprägt war von Machtspielchen und Konkurrenzkämpfen? Wir funktionieren im Endeffekt nur zusammen. Stechen wir uns aber gegenseitig aus haben wir früher oder später viel Energie verschwendet und noch mehr Leid angerichtet.
Nicht als Ganzes aus Teilen sondern als Teil eines Ganzen sollten wir uns begreifen.
Es geht nicht immer um mich, mich, mich. Der Fokus der Welt liegt nicht auf mir!
Kannst du diese Worte begreifen, dann fällt ein Stück Last von dir ab. Ein Stück Verdorbenheit und ein Stück Stress. Denn diese Erkenntnis ist befreiend in vielerlei Hinsicht.
Keiner hier bedeutet mehr und keiner weniger als der andere. Ich muss begreifen, dass ich nicht hier bin, um andere zu übertrumpfen oder besser zu sein. Ich bin hier, weil mir dieser Platz, mein Platz, geschenkt wurde. Was ich daraus mache, hängt von mir selbst ab. Egal was ich tue, es wird mich nie wertvoller oder weniger wertvoll als jemand anders machen, ganz gleich was ich auch erreiche. Darum geht es vor allem auch nicht! Es geht nicht darum Großes zu tun. Es geht nicht darum etwas zu bewegen. Ich habe weder eine Mission, noch sollte ich irgendeinem Ziel nacheifern. Ich bin frei. Wir alle sind frei.
Leben und leben lassen. Und noch wichtiger: Lebe den Moment. Er ist das einzige was du hast. Wer weiß was in 24 Stunden passiert. Lebe jetzt und nicht morgen! Vergiss dein Ziel in 20 Jahren glücklich zu sein, auf der Karriereleiter ganz oben und ein Haus mit Kindern zu haben. Denn wer weiß was in 20 Jahren passiert ist. Vielleicht bekommst du eine Krankheit oder du stirbst. Wir haben nur den jetzigen Moment, deswegen müssen wir auch jetzt glücklich sein, später ist es vielleicht schon zu spät.
Es sollte jedermanns Ziel sein können am Ende seines Lebens zu sagen: Ich habe gelebt! Und mit diesen Worten sollte der Mensch zufrieden gehen können.
Was bringt es uns, auf ein Leben zurückzuschauen, das geprägt war von Machtspielchen und Konkurrenzkämpfen? Wir funktionieren im Endeffekt nur zusammen. Stechen wir uns aber gegenseitig aus haben wir früher oder später viel Energie verschwendet und noch mehr Leid angerichtet.
Nicht als Ganzes aus Teilen sondern als Teil eines Ganzen sollten wir uns begreifen.
Es geht nicht immer um mich, mich, mich. Der Fokus der Welt liegt nicht auf mir!
Kannst du diese Worte begreifen, dann fällt ein Stück Last von dir ab. Ein Stück Verdorbenheit und ein Stück Stress. Denn diese Erkenntnis ist befreiend in vielerlei Hinsicht.
Samstag, 6. April 2013
To love yourself
I am so proud of what I've become. Having started at zero I've reached so much these last six months. It all started in November '12 when I began my therapy. I did it by own choice. I wanted it. I always had the feeling I needed it.
Let me explain my mental situation first: Since I was really young I started to develop some problems with my personality. When I was 15 or 14 I firstly consciously noticed them. I always tended to make the worst out of every situation. I wasn't able to deal with stress, problems or unexpected situations in an adequate way. I started cutting myself when I was 15. It came through emotional stress at home. Looking back at all these years till now (I am almost 21) I get that I didn't really have any problems but that I let things that were more difficult for me or challenging become problems. I often behaved inappropriately towards others whereas others also did the same thing to me. So I am not saying it has been an easy time for me, these years of my puberty.
My mistake was always and everytime seeing myself as the victim, as the one who needs compassion from others. I didn't know who I was I didn't esteem myself. No, I hated myself. I never understood that when I cut my wrists for example. I didn't get that this wasn't normal. My eyes needed to be opened six years later with the help of my therapist. I didn't know who I was for so long. I was unsure and often experienced feelings of helpless- and powerlessness.
At this point I need to add a short digression: together with the sign-postings of my therapist I am pretty sure I figured out the fundament of all these problems. I think my parents educated me to be very dependent of others and their opinion. With 19 I was not a responsible nor a self-reliant person. From my baby years on my parents tended to pamper me. My father always let me win at games for example, my mother was overly careful when it came to adventurous but maybe dangerous things I wanted to do. She picked me up from school till I was 15 or 16. Others took the bus with already 13. I really admit this - as much as I might have enjoyed it sometimes - has spoiled my personality a very big fat lot. Now with 20 I am trying to fix it. Trying to be responsible and independent and I am getting better and better.
I think what I just claimed, that my emotional and personality problems had to do with the education I got by my parents might be a very critical topic for some people out there. But personally in my eyes our parents are the ones we learn the most from. To have a guess I'd say that 50% of my behavior is my behavior because of the values and rules my parents imparted me and the examples they set. Furthermore not as professional I still say that there are psychological problems that come from the inside and psychological problems that are outer directed eventhough this point of view is getting out of use more and more. In my case I feel and I know that my troubles are and were outer directed. I am not chronically depressive or have a serious personality disorder.
Starting my therapy helped me to deal with every situation and everyday situations more appropriately. It helped me:
- not to feel constant inner pain
- not to feel constant inner stress
- feeling more balanced and carefree
- feeling less helpless and more souverain
- to make decisions faster and more efficient
- knowing that I don't have to rely on others but rather on myself
- knowing that I am not bound to anyone or dependent of their opinion
All in all it I can say that therapy freed me. It took away so much pain. And it was not only the therapist's credit but mine. I got myself through this. I improved! I saw the things that went wrong. It took a little, it wasn't easy, but it was so worth it. I really feel like full person now. I feel more mature and more reliable. I don't feel like having to desperate over everything that's going wrong. I am free!
Let me explain my mental situation first: Since I was really young I started to develop some problems with my personality. When I was 15 or 14 I firstly consciously noticed them. I always tended to make the worst out of every situation. I wasn't able to deal with stress, problems or unexpected situations in an adequate way. I started cutting myself when I was 15. It came through emotional stress at home. Looking back at all these years till now (I am almost 21) I get that I didn't really have any problems but that I let things that were more difficult for me or challenging become problems. I often behaved inappropriately towards others whereas others also did the same thing to me. So I am not saying it has been an easy time for me, these years of my puberty.
My mistake was always and everytime seeing myself as the victim, as the one who needs compassion from others. I didn't know who I was I didn't esteem myself. No, I hated myself. I never understood that when I cut my wrists for example. I didn't get that this wasn't normal. My eyes needed to be opened six years later with the help of my therapist. I didn't know who I was for so long. I was unsure and often experienced feelings of helpless- and powerlessness.
At this point I need to add a short digression: together with the sign-postings of my therapist I am pretty sure I figured out the fundament of all these problems. I think my parents educated me to be very dependent of others and their opinion. With 19 I was not a responsible nor a self-reliant person. From my baby years on my parents tended to pamper me. My father always let me win at games for example, my mother was overly careful when it came to adventurous but maybe dangerous things I wanted to do. She picked me up from school till I was 15 or 16. Others took the bus with already 13. I really admit this - as much as I might have enjoyed it sometimes - has spoiled my personality a very big fat lot. Now with 20 I am trying to fix it. Trying to be responsible and independent and I am getting better and better.
I think what I just claimed, that my emotional and personality problems had to do with the education I got by my parents might be a very critical topic for some people out there. But personally in my eyes our parents are the ones we learn the most from. To have a guess I'd say that 50% of my behavior is my behavior because of the values and rules my parents imparted me and the examples they set. Furthermore not as professional I still say that there are psychological problems that come from the inside and psychological problems that are outer directed eventhough this point of view is getting out of use more and more. In my case I feel and I know that my troubles are and were outer directed. I am not chronically depressive or have a serious personality disorder.
Starting my therapy helped me to deal with every situation and everyday situations more appropriately. It helped me:
- not to feel constant inner pain
- not to feel constant inner stress
- feeling more balanced and carefree
- feeling less helpless and more souverain
- to make decisions faster and more efficient
- knowing that I don't have to rely on others but rather on myself
- knowing that I am not bound to anyone or dependent of their opinion
All in all it I can say that therapy freed me. It took away so much pain. And it was not only the therapist's credit but mine. I got myself through this. I improved! I saw the things that went wrong. It took a little, it wasn't easy, but it was so worth it. I really feel like full person now. I feel more mature and more reliable. I don't feel like having to desperate over everything that's going wrong. I am free!
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