To love yourself

I am so proud of what I've become. Having started at zero I've reached so much these last six months. It all started in November '12 when I began my therapy. I did it by own choice. I wanted it. I always had the feeling I needed it.

Let me explain my mental situation first: Since I was really young I started to develop some problems with my personality. When I was 15 or 14 I firstly consciously noticed them. I always tended to make the worst out of every situation. I wasn't able to deal with stress, problems or unexpected situations in an adequate way. I started cutting myself when I was 15. It came through emotional stress at home. Looking back at all these years till now (I am almost 21) I get that I didn't really have any problems but that I let things that were more difficult for me or challenging become problems. I often behaved inappropriately towards others whereas others also did the same thing to me. So I am not saying it has been an easy time for me, these years of my puberty.

My mistake was always and everytime seeing myself as the victim, as the one who needs compassion from others. I didn't know who I was I didn't esteem myself. No, I hated myself. I never understood that when I cut my wrists for example. I didn't get that this wasn't normal. My eyes needed to be opened six years later with the help of my therapist. I didn't know who I was for so long. I was unsure and often experienced feelings of helpless- and powerlessness.

At this point I need to add a short digression: together with the sign-postings of my therapist I am pretty sure I figured out the fundament of all these problems. I think my parents educated me to be very dependent of others and their opinion. With 19 I was not a responsible nor a self-reliant person. From my baby years on my parents tended to pamper me. My father always let me win at games for example, my mother was overly careful when it came to adventurous but maybe dangerous things I wanted to do. She picked me up from school till I was 15 or 16. Others took the bus with already 13. I really admit this - as much as I might have enjoyed it sometimes - has spoiled my personality a very big fat lot. Now with 20 I am trying to fix it. Trying to be responsible and independent and I am getting better and better.

I think what I just claimed, that my emotional and personality problems had to do with the education I got by my parents might be a very critical topic for some people out there. But personally in my eyes our parents are the ones we learn the most from. To have a guess I'd say that 50% of my behavior is my behavior because of the values and rules my parents imparted me and the examples they set. Furthermore not as professional I still say that there are psychological problems that come from the inside and psychological problems that are outer directed eventhough this point of view is getting out of use more and more. In my case I feel and I know that my troubles are and were outer directed. I am not chronically depressive or have a serious personality disorder.

Starting my therapy helped me to deal with every situation and everyday situations more appropriately. It helped me:
- not to feel constant inner pain
- not to feel constant inner stress
- feeling more balanced and carefree
- feeling less helpless and more souverain
- to make decisions faster and more efficient
- knowing that I don't have to rely on others but rather on myself
- knowing that I am not bound to anyone or dependent of their opinion

All in all it I can say that therapy freed me. It took away so much pain. And it was not only the therapist's credit but mine. I got myself through this. I improved! I saw the things that went wrong. It took a little, it wasn't easy, but it was so worth it. I really feel like full person now. I feel more mature and more reliable. I don't feel like having to desperate over everything that's going wrong. I am free!