myemptyself

It's like life's been rushin' by all those years. I wasn't really living it I was always after something. Chasing something which I already owned. Trying to be happy but the key to being happy weren't the things around me. The key to being happy is myself. I can't. I feel like I can't be happy so often. 'Even though it is so easy', says my mind. 'No', my emotions answer. 'No', also scream my thoughts, 'it's not.' But, claims my mind, you just have to enjoy the moment. Be thankful for what you've got. Not wanting more not wanting less. Just live the moment. Forget about the yesterdays, forget about the tomorrows. Let go. NOW is what counts. Just recognize that for yourself, emotions and thoughts.' 'But I can't. I hate myself so badly sometimes. I just cannot!' say my emotions. 'Stop bothering about only yourself, dear emotions. You're not the only one that matters, we have a world full of people around us. Don't be this ungrateful little bitch.'

These are the moments when I begin to feel bad. In my head it is always me, me, me. It is not all about me. But when I am stuck in a moment of emotion I just cannot break out of it. I mean this leads me to the question: When I feel down, then because I think too much about myself or do I think too much about myself because I feel down? I'd rather have the second possibility this would make me a less bad person.
Really these mind games make me sick. I need to just quit thinking so much. I swear it's not easy. I wish I could just stop bothering. But it is not about wishes. It's about actions. And I need to act in order to change.

It's like a vicious circle. I have had these phases. I have gotten through them various times. Bad thing is: This time I 100% thought I fought it successfully. This enemy inside of me. I thought I'd for once in my life finally be a responsible, normal person. Well as it turns out, I still ain't.

It's funny this time I started the text with just a first sentence and no idea in which direction it would lead me. It's strange to see where a text takes you once you've started writing it. But actually I am way too tired to think anymore. I'll go get sleep.

Good night